# That One Time I Had Gout

Do you remember that one time I had gout? It got into the big joint of my big toe and made life miserable for two weeks or so. It also kicked off a muscle spasm in the area that would make my toe jerk which made the stabby crystals that had formed in my toe joint stab the sensitive parts of my toe. Basically it was an echo chamber of pain and despair and it really sucked.

# BUT

I don't really like to talk too much about the winter of 2015-become-2016. I have talked about it, about the anxiety, depression, and all that resulted from that, like 16-18 hour work days where I was only billing for 8 because I felt like a failure and because I felt like I deserved it. As far as times go, it wasn't as bad as the year Mom died, but it was close.

By February 18, when the gout attack happened, I had pretty much convinced myself that my schedule wasn't healthy, but I was still down on myself - my worth as a person - a husband and a father, piled on top of my shortcomings as a developer. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

I could have seen getting gout as just another thing on the pile, but I don't think there was enough room for that much reflection - there was pretty much just pain. I narrowed my focus to getting through it. I didn't worry about anything else. I called in sick. I listened to tons of Apple Music and watched a lot of Netflix. People took care of me.

Life was a pile of pain and I dealt with it. I took people's suggestions - cherries and bananas and lots of water and apple cider vinegar. I got better and I went back to work. But I went back with a better attitude. The world hadn't burned down while I was away, and I could just do my job 8 hours a day, and leave it behind the rest of the time. And I decided I didn't want gout again. I completely revamped my eating habits and lost a pile of weight.

I wouldn't recommend screaming-toe torture as a lifestyle choice, but when I think about that time I got gout, I (mostly) don't think about the pain or the unfortunate side-effects of the medication. I think about how that whole episode served as a reset button for the miserable state I'd been in.

But also the pain. That sucked.